What Do #Selfies Say About The Psychology Of You?

Selfies are popping up everywhere throughout the world of social media, and these days even some of the world’s most popular celebrities are jumping on the bandwagon. While some people love them, others hate them, although they are still as popular as ever. Are selfies just a consequence of the fact that everyone has access to a camera or are they more than that? What exactly do selfies say about the people in front of the camera?

What Are People Thinking?

To understand selfies, people need to understand the motivations behind these pictures, along with the reasons why some of them tend to go viral and others don’t. In a recent interview with a major publication, an editor of a well known website commented that there is a reason why people love selfies of humans and animals interacting. According to the editor, it is because pictures such as these display humankind at its very best. When interacting with animals in this way, humans are portrayed as selfless, kind and even courageous. These themes are common when it comes to pictures of people saving abandoned strays or even raising awareness about welfare issues. People want to believe in the kindness of humankind because they want to believe in their own goodness.

Finding fulfillment is another reason why the selfie has become such a focal point in people’s lives. People take selfies of just about anything and everything they do in their lives and post pictures on social media sites where hundreds of people will see it. Only a couple of decades ago, people with that much exposure would have been considered celebrities. Many people believe that this generation is the one that was brought up on the idea that they are special, that they can achieve anything.

By the time this generation was out of college, it suddenly became clear that this might not be true and so they had to seek notoriety someplace else. The rise of social media was in perfect unison with these desires and so it became a portal though which ordinary people could accomplish the extraordinary with minimal amounts of effort.

What It Really Says About You

Social media sites were created to help people connect with each other, and many people use this excuse as the reasoning behind posting selfies of everything from the new pair of shoes they have purchased to their graduation photos. Why not share these events; after all, this is what social media is for, is it not? The same cannot be said for bad photos, however, since most people will admit that they would never share photos that make them look less than perfect. In fact, if many people had their way, they would hand pick every single picture that was posted to social media sites.

Defining Themselves

While selfies can be viewed in a somewhat negative light, they can also play a very positive role in people’s lives. Selfies help people portray a version of themselves to the world. This is a statement that says “Look at me. This is who I am.” At times, it can be a very powerful statement and inspire people on to great things in their lives, while at other times, it is simply something that helps them get through the day. In real life, people are constantly trying to stand out, whether it is by what they say or the clothes that they wear, and the selfie is no different. It is a statement to the world. It allows people to stand out among the masses.

Being Part of a Group

As much as a selfie can help people stand out, it can also help them prove they are a part of something. There has been a recent trend of “no makeup selfies” calling participants to post pictures of themselves online without makeup as a way to call attention to cancer awareness. While many people got involved as a way to support a good cause, efforts such as these have another positive effect, in that they help people feel like they are a part of something. On an evolutionary level, this is important because being part of a group means safety and comfort. This longing is a completely normal aspect of human behavior and it might point to the reasons behind the popularity of the selfie.

The Millennial generation happened to grow up with the rise of the internet, and it is also this generation that seems to be fueling the selfie trend. Millions of 20-somethings around the world are seeking their purpose and they are doing so online, and the selfie seems to be playing a major role in how they are going about meeting some of their psychological needs. On the outside, it might seem like this generation is narcissistic and self involved, but a close look makes it clear that this isn’t the case at all.

A selfie is an expression of a person’s identity. It is capturing a moment in a person’s life that meant something to them, but it is also a method of finding oneself, of getting to know oneself. A selfie might be no more than a picture of someone with his pet or perhaps even with his lunch, but to the person, it is his mark on a world that often demands too much and gives too little. It is the Millennial generation’s stamp on the earth, proving that they were here and they made a difference, regardless of what form it took.

If you take lots of selfies then there’s some bad news for you

A study examined 'selfie indulgence' to reveal some shocking results

SELFIES have become an ingrained part of modern life but, if you’re a selfie lover, a scientific study has revealed some bad news for you – you aren’t as attractive as you think they are.

According to a study in the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal, people who take selfies are seen as vain and narcissistic.

And that’s not all – selfie addicts also tend to have a distorted view of their own attractiveness.

Examining the perceptions of selfies and regular photos, researchers examined people’s “self-favouring biases” to reach the interesting findings.

The people studied were asked to rate the attractiveness of subjects,

including themselves, in selfies compared to photos of the same person taken by someone else.

External judges were then asked to rate attractiveness as well, to compare their findings with the subject’s own view of themselves.

The study, called ‘Selfie Indulgence’, found that selfie-takers and
non-selfie-takers are typically as narcissistic as each other.

However, the researchers did find that selfie-takers perceived themselves as more attractive and likable in their selfies than in others’ photos, whilst non-selfie-takers tend to view both types of photo equally.

The real blow for selfie lovers came from the fact that external judges rated the subjects as less attractive, less likable, and more narcissistic in their selfies than in the photos taken by others.

The researchers conclude that constant selfie-taking will stoke your ego and make you more susceptible to “self-favouring bias”, causing you to increasingly overestimate how good you look in your selfies.

Essentially, if your Facebook is littered with pouting selfies, people will think you look uglier and are less likely to warm to you.

And whilst you may prefer to upload selfies because you think you look better in them, the increased attractiveness you associate with selfies over normal photos is probably all in your head.

These findings mean that, ironically, practice taking selfies actually appears to contribute to those photos being seen more negatively.

Perhaps you should think twice before you change your profile picture to yet another pouting selfie and upload a normal picture instead.

21 Signs You're Secretly A Real Bitch

1. Even though you pride yourself on not being judgmental, you know you are.

In fact, you're the most judgmental person you know.

2. Your phone's camera roll is full of screengrabs of slightly cringe things your friends have done on social media that you've sent to someone else.

3. And whenever your school friends announce their engagements on Facebook, you send a screengrab to your mum to assess whether their ring is tacky or not.

4. If someone says something mean to you at work, you have a designated bitching buddy who'll meet you in the loo for a power-moan.

"I'd rather have my face and a lower salary than their face and all the money in the world."

5. You play "What would you change?" all the time.

6. And you and your friends have ranked everyone you know out of 10 multiple times.

7. You often find yourself saying "Oh I love your hair", when you actually mean, "Your hair looks different."

8. There are some random things that you know you shouldn't judge, but you do. And you can't help it.

9. And you always find yourself classifying new people you meet as "that kind of person".

10. You randomly impose your own standards on other people.

He wasn't 10 minutes early to work, wtf?

11. And you always pass judgment on how clean other people's houses are.

Especially their bathrooms.

12. You know that some of your opinions would hurt people's feelings, so you only voice them to a very select group of people.

Your mum, your BFF, and your S.O. That's it.

13. But chances are, your siblings share the same opinions.

You grew up together, so you judge the same things. You can't help it.

14. As soon as you see a new person, you instantly assess their outfit.

You're not even that mean inside your own head. You just think they could have done better.

15. If a friend tells you a secret and says, "Never tell anyone," you assume that excludes your BFF, your S.O., your siblings, and your mum.

They won't tell anyone, so it's fiiiine.

16. Sometimes you look at people and just think, "how"?

How have you achieved all of that? How?

17. You know that if the people around you could hear your internal monologue, you wouldn't have any friends.

18. Sometimes, when you can tell someone wants to get into your conversation but you don't want them to, you just ignore them.

They'll just think you can't hear.

19. And whenever anyone offers you ~constructive~ criticism, you're like "purrrrlease, you don't even know".

Thanks for your opinion bye.

20. And if anyone is ever mean to you, you just think, "Oh it must be because they have a sad and lonely life and they are jealous of my happy and fulfilled life."

Which, tbf, is probably true

21. But hey, there's nothing wrong with being a bitch.

The internet never forgets

Back in 2010, the newsdesk at The Age received a desperate plea from a man who wanted to be forgotten. Let's call him Alan. A young and foolish businessman, he was arrested 10 years ago at Melbourne airport when a baggage check found cocaine and another banned drug.

The Age published a simple, factual story in the paper and online, reporting his arrest, his contrition and his sentence - a good-behavior bond without conviction. Alan promised the magistrate he would mend his ways. But Google never forgets. Today, if you Google Alan's real name, his past is exposed at the top of the search results: a link to The Age's report with a damning headline.

''This story still haunts him,'' a close friend and colleague of Alan tells The Age. He is now ''a sober man who has learnt from his mistakes'' trying to get back into his former industry. But everyone Googles potential employees these days. ''It has been eight years,'' the friend said in email. ''Let's try and give him a shot …rather than have some headline cut down his chances.''

The Age declined Alan's plea, and nevertheless he found work. But he, and many others, for countless reasons, have their crimes, misdemeanors, foibles or embarrassing photos forever preserved in the eternal memory of the digital mind.

In Europe's highest court, judges are considering Spaniard Mario Costeja's attempt to stop Google turning up an online newspaper announcement that a property he owned was up for auction for failing to pay taxes. Spain now has more than 200 similar cases.

In Argentina, pop star Virginia Da Cunha filed suit against Google and Yahoo! when searches for her name turned up old, explicit photos published on sex sites. Last year there were reportedly 130 cases pending in the country, from entertainers, models and others demanding the removal of user-generated content.

And in Austria, 25-year-old Max Schrems has become famous for his war with Facebook, which he plans to take to court after he forced it to detail the incredible 1222 pages of data it held on him: pokes, likes, comments, photos, including data he had tried to delete, and data he could not normally access but was for Facebook's own use.

''I don't know that it's a new problem but the scale of the problem is vastly greater,'' The difficulty of escaping your past is greatly magnified in an age when every word we speak and every tweet and every Facebook status update is recorded forever in the digital cloud.

''It used to be that only celebrities would have to worry about embarrassing things people wrote about them in the newspapers - now each of Facebook's 1 billion users has the same problem, without the resources to manage their reputation online.

''In the age of Google, the worst thing you've done is the first thing that people know about you.''

''Right now the basic internet [revenue] model is built on the invasion of your privacy,'' 

''The basic internet model is: give you something free, collect your data and sell your data. Most of the big businesses on the internet [for example, Facebook, Google] are built on that model. Right now the status quo, the posture of the status quo, is the status of being dominated by people you can't identify.

''Your data is being exploited all the time by people you can't identify. And that's just backward. Now we have to rescue the truth by calling it 'the right to be forgotten', instead of saying 'the right not to be raped by people you can't identify'.''

The right to be forgotten. It's an old European idea, dating back to pre-internet days when people wanted to expunge their criminal pasts from the public record. In France it's poetically dubbed the ''droit d'oubli'', the right to oblivion.

Now the European parliament is debating legislation that updates the idea for the digital age. Under the new law, everyone would have the right to rectify and even erase personal data concerning them, if it was held or published by a commercial entity. If that right is denied, massive fines apply.

Personal data has become many companies' most prized asset. ''Data is a valuable commodity - a digital currency,'' she says. ''Consumers need to be able to trust businesses with such a commodity. Right now, this is not the case. People don't always feel in full control of their personal data.

''Even tiny scraps of personal information can have a huge impact, even years after they were shared or made public. It is the individual who should be in the best position to protect the privacy of their data by choosing whether or not to provide it.''

The right isn't absolute. There is public interest in protecting the archives of a newspaper, or scientific research, for example. ''The right to be forgotten cannot amount to a right of the total erasure of history, [nor must it] take precedence over freedom of expression.'' 

But the proposal has inspired intense opposition from Silicon Valley, which has recognised the massive threat such a law poses to its revenue stream. Google's global privacy counsel Peter Fleischer has been one of the law's most scathing critics.

He argues a right to be forgotten would destroy ''databases of great value and beauty, and we will someday learn it would be a sin to obliterate them''. Botticelli burnt some of his paintings during an anti-vice purge, before he realised his tragic mistake.

''Over and over again, privacy' being used as a justification to censor free speech, ''I don't understand how we could protect notions of freedom of speech, and the neutrality of search engines, if people could decide themselves which terms they did not want associated with their names.''

Right to be forgotten ''more pernicious than book burning''. ''[It] attempts to give to individuals the legal rights to obliterate unpalatable elements of their personal data, published in third-party sources ''This is a deeply pessimistic ideology, which concludes that retaining data can give rise to future risks and to future benefits, but since we don't yet know what they are, we should default to deleting the data to prevent the risks, rather than retaining them to enable the benefits.''

It is fairly uncontroversial to assert a right for people to remove pictures (or other content) that they created themselves but now regret - such as the young teacher in training in the US who put a picture of herself on Myspace as a ''drunken pirate'' and lost her job.

''It becomes controversial when the content is shared by others,'' it raises serious questions of free expression. Though I sympathize intensely with the problem of digital forgetting on the internet, I do not think it's a good idea to create a broad new legal right to remove information that has been widely shared.

Then there is a third category of information the proposed law would cover: information about you, posted by others.

''That right … would allow me to object to snarky blog posts about me written by someone else, and leave it up to a privacy commissioner to decide whether or not it's in the public interest,'' That's really where the gravest threat to free expression comes from. It sweeps so broadly, it completely challenges the idea that truthful but embarrassing information should not be able to be removed, that it's necessary for public discourse.

''And it would transform Google and Facebook into censors-in-chief. It really would transform the nature of the internet.''

''I'm an American, so I usually believe in free-market solutions to problems. I do believe that we can solve things without the government. But the concept of the right to be forgotten I think is a very beautiful one.

''It's a very old idea. Ideas about the privacy of the person are as old as Magna Carta … the internet is highly invasive of this virtue and highly destructive to this virtue. I believe that if you want to live a private life then you shouldn't have to avoid the internet.''

It is transparent why many Silicon Valley companies such as Google and Facebook, who depend on revenue from personally targeted advertising, oppose the law.

''For sure, Google and Facebook will suffer if there's a right to be forgotten. They're going to have to take different steps and find out different ways to do business. But they are not the internet. Other companies will thrive. There will be new entrepreneurs with new methods.''

 When we post something online we could choose whether it stays online a day, a year, or forever, and encryption technology can ensure it will be unreadable after that point.

Already there are apps such as Snapchat, which allow people to send instant messages that disappear forever a few minutes after they are sent (though it is hard to stop people copying this ephemeral data to prevent it from expiring).

''I think it would at least go a long way towards empowering citizens to manage their online reputation,'' Google and Facebook have chosen for financial and other reasons not to make this technology encoded into their platforms, but legal or political pressure might encourage them to do so.

Another possibility is that people will just become more forgiving. We now barely blink when the leader of a country confesses to rampant drug use in their college years. Maybe a youthful sexting scandal will afflict some presidential candidate in 30 years' time but no one will actually care.

I'm not sure how optimistic I am on that score, ''It seems to clash with what we know about human nature to assume there will be nothing scandalous and everyone will lead transparent lives and be completely forgiving.''

So it is an urgent problem I'm just not persuaded that broad, new and largely unenforceable legal rights are the best way to deal with it.

Here’s why everyone is brining their fried chicken in pickle juice

Fried chicken has been an inescapable part of the American culinary scene for well over a century now. The practice of frying chicken may have first been brought to the New World by Scottish immigrants, but it was African cooks, brought to the American South as part of the slave trade, that perfected the flavor profile of the dish. At once juicy, crunchy, spicy and steaming hot, fried chicken is as close to it gets to a perfect food. So why are so many chefs and restaurants suddenly adding a new element to their recipes? Why is everyone pickling - yes, pickling - their fried chicken all of a sudden?

We're living during a period that has already brought us a  pickle juice slushie from Sonic  and a  dill pickle flavored vodka  in just the last 18 months. Big Pickle has never been bigger, and pickle-pushing companies are finding a receptive consumer audience for their wildest experimentations. So it's really no wonder that all of that pickling is making its way into the global cuisine, be it haute or just down-home country cooking. Call it pickle down economics, if you will.

Bon Appétit  has been pushing its  pickle-brined fried chicken  recipe back out into the ethers,  Food & Wine  has been promoting  its own respective iteration  of the dish, and even KFC launched  Pickle Fried Chicken  earlier this summer. Companies are giving us what they think we want, sure, but in this case, the pickle food trend may have inadvertently blown the doors open on a far superior way of preparing fried chicken altogether. Let me explain.

You see, pickling chicken in brine prior to breading and frying up the meat results in a chemically similar process to what raw fish undergoes when exposed to acidic citrus juice. While brining chicken doesn't make it safe to eat in the same way adding acid to fish to make ceviche might, much of what happens to the protein on a microscopic level looks awfully familiar. 

Sodium chloride-rich pickle brine unravels the alpha helix of the chicken protein in a process called denaturing. What was once a tight, box spring-like coil is relaxed into something better resembling a fistful of al dente pasta. But vinegar isn't content to let salt have all the fun. While the salt is busy uncurling the helix, the vinegar in brining liquid attacks the foundational hydrogen bonds of the chicken protein. A chicken breast or thigh taking a dip in pickle juice for less than two hours might not be exposed to a long enough denaturing process to do all that much. Chicken left to soak for longer than a night may break down too fully, retaining the texture of wet, uncooked chicken even after it hits the grill or oven. 

But the breakdown effect of denaturing isn't the only complex chemical shuffling happening. As those protein helix strands loosen and unfurl from their previously tight coil, salt is drawn into the meat via the process of osmosis. As salt is sucked into the expanding proteins, these molecules make themselves at home, neatly filling out all of the new spaces. When chicken protein that has been invaded by salt water molecules in this way finally does hit the frying pan, perfectly flaky, fall-off-the-bone fried chicken is created. Voila. 

From a taste perspective - which is kind of the entire point here, and the reason we're making fried chicken instead of tearing open a sleeve of crackers - the pickling portion of this recipe adds something that fried chicken never even knew it was missing. 

In a traditional fried chicken recipe, most of the flavor is imparted upon the meat via either a buttermilk bath or from the spices added to the flour that is liberally coated across each piece before its dunk in the oil. Pickling your chicken beforehand adds hours of chemical osmosis, in which thirsty proteins literally draw the pickle juice into the meat, followed by the same buttermilk and spice opportunities. 

Or to put it another way, think about how good those salty, vinegary slices of pickles taste on a fast food chicken sandwich? Pickling your chicken prior to frying it recreates this classic taste combo, dialed up to 100. 

Side notes: This is not my opinion I still prefer buttermilk soak for a few hours and buttermilk batter dredge or seasoned flour

Video Game Addiction Symptoms, Causes and Effects

Although it is not yet recognized by the American Medical Association as a diagnosable disorder, video game addiction is a very real problem for many people. According to the University of New Mexico, recent studies suggest that 6 to 15 percent of all gamers exhibit signs that could be characterized as addiction. Though this disorder can have significant consequences to those suffering from it, its signs and symptoms can sometimes be very difficult to recognize.

Are There Different Types of Video Game Addictions?

There are two major types of video games and therefore two major types of video game addictions. Standard video games are generally designed to be played by a single player and involve a clear goal or mission, such as rescuing a princess. The addiction in these games is often related to completing that mission or beating a high score or preset standard.

The other type of video game addiction is associated with online multiplayer games. These games are played online with other people and are especially addictive because they generally have no ending. Gamers with this type of addiction enjoy creating and temporarily becoming an online character. They often build relationships with other online players as an escape from reality. For some, this community may be the place where they feel they’re the most accepted.

What Causes an Addiction to Video Games?

Many different causes factor into video game addiction. One of the main reasons that video games can become so addictive, however, is they are designed to be that way. Video game designers, like anyone else trying to make a profit, are always looking for ways to get more people playing their games. They accomplish this by making a game just challenging enough to keep you coming back for more but not so hard that the player eventually gives up. In other words, success for a gamer often feels just out of reach. In this respect, video game addiction is very similar to another more widely recognized disorder: gambling addiction.

What Are the Signs of Video Game Addiction Problem?

As with any other addiction, video game addiction has warning signs. It is important to know how to recognize these signs if you or someone you care about is an avid gamer. According to the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery, these symptoms can be both emotional and physical.

Emotional Symptoms of Video Game Addiction

Some of the emotional signs or symptoms of video game addiction include:

• Feelings of restlessness and/or irritability when unable to play
• Preoccupation with thoughts of previous online activity or anticipation of the next online session
• Lying to friends or family members regarding the amount of time spent playing
• Isolation from others in order to spend more time gaming

Physical Symptoms of Video Game Addiction

Some of the physical signs or symptoms of video game addiction include:

• Fatigue
• Migraines due to intense concentration or eye strain
• Carpal tunnel syndrome caused by the overuse of a controller or computer mouse
• Poor personal hygiene

Short-Term and Long-Term Effects of Video Game Addiction

Like any other compulsive disorder, video game addiction can have severe negative consequences. Though most of the symptoms listed above have short-term effects, they can lead to more severe long-term repercussions if not addressed properly. For example, someone addicted to video games will often avoid sleeping or eating proper meals in order to continue gaming. While the short-term effects of this may include hunger and fatigue, it could eventually lead to a sleep disorder or diet-related health issues. Similarly, those who isolate themselves from others in order to play video games may miss out on family events, outings with friends, or other events in the short-term. If this continues to be a pattern for a long period of time, however, addicts might find themselves without any friends at all.

Other long-term effects of video game addiction to consider are the financial, academic and occupational consequences involved. Video games and video game equipment can be very expensive, especially when factoring in recurring costs such as the high-speed Internet connection required for online multiplayer games. These games can also be very time-consuming, leaving addicted gamers with less time to focus on their education or career.

Is There a Test or Self-Assessment I Can Do?

The most effective self-assessment that can be done is to examine the above list of symptoms associated with video game addiction. If you find that you or someone you care about exhibits any of these warnings signs, it may be a good time to cut back on the amount of time spent gaming. 

Compulsive Lying

Compulsive lying describes a condition in which a person tells falsehoods out of habit, sometimes for no reason at all. It is also known as pathological lying, nymphomania, and habitual lying.

Many people are dishonest on occasion. Yet pathological liars tend to lie more frequently regardless of context.

Habitual lying often has the following traits:

1. The lies are believable and may have truthful elements. A person who has the flu might tell co-workers the symptoms are in fact AIDS or some other serious illness.
2. The lying continues for a long period of time and is not caused by some immediate pressure. A person who lies repeatedly about an affair would typically not qualify as a habitual liar, since the lies result from the desire to keep a secret.
3. The lies tend to present the person lying in a positive light. A person is more likely to lie about having a Ph.D than claim they dropped out of high school.
4. The lies have an internal—rather than external—motivation. A child with abusive parents might lie compulsively to avoid harm. These falsehoods would not be considered compulsive because the lying is motivated by an outside threat.

Compulsive Lying vs. Pathological Lying

The terms “compulsive lying” and “pathological lying” are often used interchangeably. Medical literature currently does not differentiate between these terms. Yet there are professionals within the mental health community who classify the terms as subtly different conditions.

In this framework, compulsive lying is the habit of telling falsehoods uncontrollably. People in this category may be more comfortable telling lies than telling the truth. They may lie repeatedly about important as well as unimportant matters.

People who lie compulsively often have no ulterior motive. They may even tell lies which damage their own reputations. Even after their falsehoods have been exposed, people who lie compulsively may have difficulty admitting the truth.

Meanwhile, pathological lying often involves a clear motive. A person may lie to gain attention or admiration. Other lies may be designed to garner pity or help from others. Even self-harming lies may provide some form of internal gratification.

People who lie pathologically may mix falsehoods with the truth to make their lies more credible. As such, pathological lying is often considered a subtler form of manipulation than compulsive lying.

What Causes Compulsive Lying?

Compulsive lying may be a symptom of:

1. Bipolar
2. Attention deficit hyperactivity (ADHD)
3. Impulse control issues
4. Substance dependency
5. Borderline personality
6. Narcissistic personality

Compulsive lying rarely indicates psychosis. People who lie compulsively can often identify their accounts as lies. Thus, they are not distanced from reality.

Some psychologists believe a person’s environment plays a large role in compulsive lying. A person may live in a context where deception creates advantages. If a community does not assign firm or consistent consequences for lying, a person may believe the benefits of lying outweigh the risks. Lies might also be a coping mechanism for low self-esteem or past trauma.

Despite these short-term benefits, compulsive lying often backfires in the long run. A habitual liar may feel extreme stress from keeping track of their falsehoods. They may struggle to live up to their own claims. If their lies are exposed, their relationships will likely grow strained. In some cases, they may face legal consequences.

Tired Of Being Let Down? How To Hold People Accountable

"It's an old rule of life that we teach people how to treat us." Yet often we can struggle when it comes to managing accountability and calling people on broken promises. It just feels like less stress to say nothing; even to just do it ourselves.

At least in the short term.

But here’s the deal: when you decide not to call someone on their broken promise and ill-managed commitment, you’re, albeit inadvertently, being part of the problem. The one thing you can count on is to expect more of it. More broken promises. More turning up late. More cut corners. More well worn excuses. More missed deadlines. And more of the stress, frustration and resentment you’d much rather avoid.

If you’ve ever found yourself frustrated at someone who’s perpetually slack, or late, or unreliable then you’ll relate to some of the comments above. Many people value their promises cheaply or simply manage their commitments poorly. Others have a hard time holding people to account. It’s easier to just let it go and hope they’ll be more reliable next time.

The problem is, they rarely are.

Turning the tide begins with renewing your commitment to manage every area of your life with integrity. When it comes to your commitments, it’s about honoring your word and then refusing to tolerate any less from others. Having coached many people working in cultures with poor accountability, failing to hold people to account can set off a ripple effect that is far-reaching and costly. It doesn’t just undermine your own integrity, reputation and influence, it impacts all those around you.

If you happen to be working in an organization where promises are treated cheaply, accountability low and punctuality near non-existent, either choose to be the change you want to see in those around or, if that feels totally futile, choose to make an exit plan! Either way, own your choice to stay or go and don’t complain about its trade-offs.

If you are overdue a conversation about accountability, here are seven keys to help you on your way.

1. Decide what you want upfront.
I’ve lost count of times executives have expressed frustration with what was delivered to them only to find that they were never really sure what they wanted to begin with. So before you enter into a commitment, or even consider holding someone accountable, be sure you are really clear in your own mind about what it is you want and how you would define success. How can others know what you want if you don’t?

2. Be specific in clarifying expectations.
Sometimes you can clear up a simple misunderstanding at the outset just by clarifying what it was you expected in the first place. To ensure against the same thing happening again, always make sure people are clear about both what you expect to be done and when you expect it to be done.  Ambiguity is a recipe for frustration and unmet expectation. Simply asking, "Do you understand?" is not enough. Get them to paraphrase, summarize or reflect back their understanding so you are sure you are on the same page.

3. Ask for what you do want, rather than what you don't.
Many people have a tendency to complain about the actions and behaviors they don't like, when in reality, they haven't explained the actions and behaviors they want to see.

4. Seek for an explanation before making an accusation.
f someone has let you down, it’s always important to give someone the benefit of the doubt to begin with. Maybe they’ve just been really busy and thought other priorities were more important. Maybe they needed more guidance. Maybe something came up out of the blue and they just forgot to tell you. Hear them out and give them a chance to explain themselves.

5. Share the impact of them not keeping their word.
People are often unaware of how their behavior impacts others, or even themselves. So you need to be straight with them about how their failure to manage their commitments has impacted you, others and them! Maybe you had to work late to finish what they didn’t. Maybe it affected your entire team and you had to manage the fallout. Maybe you’re just disappointed with them. Maybe you’ll have to think twice before relying on them again. Maybe others will. This isn’t about making them feel bad; it’s just being upfront about the impact so you can make things better in the future.

6. Reset expectations.
Likewise, if someone has let you down, it’s important to renegotiate exactly what it is you want, when you want it and what they are able to deliver. By having the courage to have the conversation, rather than tiptoeing around, you set the stage for greater accountability and less disappointment.

If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. So, as uncomfortable as you may feel, just know that when you do what you know is right and hold people accountable to their word, albeit uncomfortable, everyone—including them— ultimately comes out better off. (Just don’t expect a thank-you card.)

7.   Reward the positive and coach the negative.
If you operate out of the mindset that keeping one’s promises shouldn’t be rewarded because it should just be done, you are missing an opportunity to reinforce good behavior. Publicly thank and acknowledge those who consistently manage their commitments with integrity, show punctuality and meet or exceed expectations. Sure, they should just do that anyway, but you will be highlighting for those who don’t that this is what you want to see more of. And for those who aren’t so good in how they manage promises and juggle commitments, take the time to coach them to competency.  Everyone wants to do a good job – some just need extra support and skill in doing it.

Whatever you do, don’t shy away from having the tough conversations, like so many of the things you know are good for you to do, holding people accountable requires exiting your comfort zone and engaging in the uncomfortable work of a tough conversation. It may not be easy, but it's guaranteed to be worth it.

A funny story

In the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.